Why I should never post when my hormones are out of whack

It could be all that mamak food, or it could be nearing that time of the month. Whatever it is, I don't feel good.

No, not the nausea feeling type, but the not-happy, not usual type of unwellness. I hate this type of feeling; even House MD can't cheer me up. I blame it on this time of the year.

Chinese New Year is a few days away. I don't paticularly mind the angpaus, of course, but I can't seem to muster the spirit this year. Maybe it's mom's overload of work, so the house is pretty much undecorated, but even the malls are barely dressed up. I seem to be finding things to mourn about the new year. Visiting relatives will = Interrogation about college, and i'll struggle to explain mass comm in chinese. Once they drop that subject, they'll graduate to telling me how much weight i've gained. My weight is a pretty touchy subject with me. For heavens sake, I know I've put on weight! I know I have to squeeze into my old jeans. Don't you think someone who sees her body every single day in the mirror realizes that?! Do you think I love all this extra weight??!! For crying out loud, I'm already insecure enough to wear a jacket over every sleeveless thing i have(which i can count on one hand), no matter how hot the weather is. I'm already obsessed enough with my eating habits,for crying out loud, I'm this close to developing an eating disorder. I'm already cutting my portions in half, but then i give into cravings and indulge in an ice cream, and soon, I'm feeling like i do now. (damn you, macademia nut)

Besides that, Valentine's day is coming up. I've never had any reason to celebrate this paticular day. But this year, it's just plain bugging me. Like, i just want to not exist for that 24 hours so people can't rub it in my face. At the very least, in sec school, I could send a few flowers to my friends to tell them how much I love them and appreciate our friendship. And we could just hang around class because hardly any of them have significant others, and we'd tease and bask in the happiness of those who did. This year's valentine's day is just sucking the life out of me, and it's not even february yet. Even in my class, I'm surrounded by couples and people who have significant people.

I can't help but feel just that little bit lonely. I don't think that I NEED a special someone to be happy, but I do think it must be the best thing in the world to have that special someone. To have someone to hold your hand even though your palms are sweaty, to have a shoulder to lean on just because you feel like it, to be able to look right into those eyes and not say anything, yet know a million feelings, to have that racing feeling everytime you see his name on your phone or see his face. And I really want that.

So, yes, this is why I won't exactly be all happy and cheerful on valentine's day. It's a school day, which makes it worse, because all I will want to do is curl up in bed and just comfort eat. And all I'll be able to think about is how lovey-dovey he's going to be with his special someone.

Even now, the songs on tv make me want to lock myself in my bedroom, switch on the air cond to the lowest temperature and cry because that's at least a more comfortable self-torture. Anything has got to be better than thinking about him. I barely know him for crissakes! God, sometimes I wish that people's assumptions about girl's school students were true and that I were a lesbian. Then at least I wouldn't be thinking about him. Or how close he is to his 'someone'. I don't know why the rational part of my brain can't whoop the emotional part's ass. He's so obviously hung up and still in love with her, and even if he were to declare his undying love for me on bended knee, I could never bring myself to accept a guy who still has a special place in his heart for any other girl. Because i am that jealous. Because i am that romantic, that i could never truly have feelings for anybody who isn't my perfect ideal man.

But he is.

Which just freaks me out, because i don't want to believe that. Because i have never believed that there is only one person destined for another person. Which is partly why I'm inclined to find fault in guys i had crushes on. It's like that movie, practical magic, where Sandra Bullock's character, as a child, made a wish that her true love would be some one so impossible to find, so she would never get emotionally hurt, because all the guys they fall in love with are destined to DIE.

He's not perfect, certainly. There are quirks that i find amusing, to say the least.

But i'm not going to act on it. Because hopefully within a few months, I'll be so used to the heartache that I'll be able to fully enjoy his company. There's no point in ruining what could be a perfectly (okay, not perfect) comfortable friendship. And it's somewhat different this time. It won't totally kill me if he's with someone else, because that would mean he's happy. And seeing him smile makes me happy.

Oh god, the sap i write.